We have heard since childhood: The keys to a healthy relationship are respect, honesty and trust.

Of COURSE! Those have been imprinted in our brains for years. So, why do so many people override those qualities with lies?

I’m not saying you’re a terrible partner if you substitute the truth with a little white lie here and there, I’m just asking WHY you do it. Why has it become embedded in society that it is better to lie to smooth the waters than be honest and start a storm?

The complications of lying can certainly outweigh the benefits of it. For example, it is challenging to keep your stories straight – especially somebody that you spend so much time with!

But most importantly, by lying to your partner, you’re engaging in a fraudulent relationship.

Here’s why:

1) Committed under false pretenses

Your partner has made the active decision to be committed to YOU! It’s great and vulnerable and soooo exciting. They’ve met you, gone on dates with you, and began a relationship with you – out of their own will and the information they had available.

By lying to them about how you behave or what you do, they lack information that could potentially weigh on whether they choose to be with you.

According to the Oxford dictionary, ‘fraudulent’ can be defined as “Unjustifiably claiming or being credited with particular accomplishments or qualities.”

You should have enough respect for your partner to allow them to choose the healthiest relationship for themselves based on the truth.

Instead, they are engaging in an intimate and personal relationship with somebody based on a fraction of the truth.

2) Fuels a lack of trust

Of course, once caught, it’ll be especially hard to trust you moving forward. You’ll create questions such as, “What else is my partner lying about?”

Your seemingly harmless white lie began to erode the trust in your relationship. Once gone, trust is exceedingly difficult to build back up than it is to lose.

3) Ignoring incompatibility

Let’s start with an example. Let’s say that you love to party. However, your partner is more of a homebody.

You go out to a sports bar with a group of friends. However, to avoid a fight, you tell your significant other that you are staying in that evening. You aren’t cheating or doing anything obviously wrong: You’re just going out for a couple of beers with a couple of friends and trying to avoid a fight with your partner.

It’s easy to justify in your head, correct?

However, look at it from a birds-eye view: Maybe you just aren’t that compatible?

Instead of having to lie about an activity that you enjoy doing, there may be somebody out there that likes to join you in that activity or at least do something similar.

Your partner is a homebody – maybe she would be better suited for somebody that also enjoys quiet evenings at home.

That isn’t to say that opposites can’t attract – it can be hugely complimentary in lots of situations. However, if it’s continuously causing friction in the relationship to the point where you are lying to your partner, then more likely than not, it’s unhealthy.

4) Denying your opportunity to be loved wholly

By lying to your partner and concealing parts of who you are, you deny the opportunity to be loved wholly and unconditionally – whether it is by your current partner or not.

This might be the hopeless romantic in me: But somebody can love every puzzle piece of who you are. All of your flaws, interests, and more can be appreciative and loved by a significant other!

Relationships should not be founded on the premise that somebody will change in a way that’s favourable to you. Of course, over the years of a long-term relationship, there will be a change in each individual and the seasons of life pass. That should be accepted and, hopefully, embraced. However, it’s unfair for a partner to dictate where and when the change takes place.

Relationships should not be a facilitator of containment, but instead, of growth. By lying, you contain yourself, your relationship, and your opportunity to be loved entirely for precisely who you are.

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In conclusion, I think it’s important to consider what your intent behind your white lies are – and what, if anything, you’re hoping to achieve with it. Are you trying to avoid a fight? Are you doing things that give you a guilty conscience?

With the change of gender dynamics over the past 50+ years, we have created a foundation that allows for equal partnerships. Through flight and social media, we can connect with people all over the world: So why are we so quick to settle with people that don’t make us the very best, most honest and most vulnerable version of ourselves?

Written by Celina Dawdy